“…But smile like im fine! Brag with such passion and shine without trying. Believe me pain’s a small thing to a giant. I was born without a dime! Out tha gutta I climbed…Spoke my mind, And didnt stutter one time. Ali say even the greatest gotta suffer some time!”
RealEYEz ReaLIzE ReaLIEz
looking back on my years leading me to this date! this very moment at this very point in my life &&. I smile with tears to fallow! Tears of Pain, joy and Sorrow!
Reared by the strongest! and im sure that every child looks at their parents and see an “S” on their chest! outside of the ways they never got! there parents are the BEST! Me? Yea I can see a “S” on my mothers &&. I see one on my fathers as well! My “S”? My “S” stands for survivor! My father knew ONE way to b a father and that was to b a daddy! to see a smile on his children’s face, discipline with l i g h t punishment and agree without examining the consequence of not for filling. At 5 yrs old that was good enough for me! trips to the park, zoo and Mary Kate & Ashley rentals every weekend spent at his house! Deffinently my Favorite kind of cake! Cake i ate and enjoyed until it was GONE! at nine yrs old my father was “sent away“..yup that was the exact way I Heard it for 7yrz!… with memories of great things; i enjoyed every Collect call, letter reading “i love you” and all the gifts brought to me by strangers of a church; on Christmas and my birthday! Never seeing his face at night to tuck me in, to tell my stories of a “good day” at school. I still put him before any man!
EVEN the man my mother Loved and was standing strong with after 13 yrs! to me “daddy” was still the BEST! and my mother never lead me to believe any different! Santa clause? ummm NO! mommy stepped on that fairy tale chapter immediately at birth. along with the Easter bunny and tooth fairy! Christmas time came and went leaving us [A L L] with a stack of 100 maybe 2oo hundred dollars tucked away somewhere neat! for me being the youngest 100 one dollar bills was heaven! made my pocket look a little chubby! Lol…and did i say ALL? yes Me My older Brother and My OLDEST sister! sister from another mother! same father!
Meaning: even though my mother and father were not together and hadn’t been since i was what? zero! My mother raised his oldest like she was her own from the age of three! Her mother? somewhere off getting high or something not compassionate enough about the struggle of another but knowing that her daughter and only girl out of 8 would b okay! Growing up i had no step siblings. My mother raised us all the same and treated 1 no different then the other! Great Woman indeed she is but she has had her share of MAJOR set backs! Even in a relationship my mother raised us all on her own! to me “he” was jus a burden taking away from the Never possibility of me having a seamless mother and father household! i grew out of that eventually and accepted him to b exactly what he was! a “step father”. My mother wore all shoes in the house! arguments in my sleep and glass breaking advanced to a violent break up to say the least! i thank god my mother is still alive! in her heart she still shares Nothing but LOVE! I’ve held on to the hate for her! realizing that there was no real hate at all! besides his frequent BAD Decision Making and SHUT Downs! he taught significant lessons and contributed a great bit in my raising! hey i even got 100.00 for “reading” the bible along with an additional 100.00 for “not eating” candy for a month! hmmm! make what you want out of it!..L0L
at 10 yrs old my sister ran away from home to her “family” the same ones that gave her to the world without a shield incase of a battle approaching shit even to protect her from the rain! but i guess i would b the perfect victim to a bribe of no rules or discipline! can i blame her? yea! i can blame her for taking away my ear to pore out my dreams to! to express my fears to! up until the day she fled she was my only right hand! when i was scared she was there! Her departure left the memories of 17 gunshots going off from the murder of my older cousin outside our apartment still ringing in my head! His face Still flooding my lids every blink &&. the cries of his new born Daughter as she awoke from her sleep not knowing that at that very moment there was an angel directly above her! an angel she would never b able to touch, be held by or seen in the physical! For that i blame her! but still i stand!
in her place i found the heart of a classmate! a class mate i shared lunch with from the 1st grade on! “T”. we appeared to b Total opposites! her pain flaunted its colors a little brighter then mine did! from the outside in she would be the rock at the end of my rope! Intelligent, humble, wise and Emotional were characteristics she rarely let out of her shell appose to me the Quiet, shy and sooo emotional little girl everyone loved! we had absolutely nothing in common but the fact that we were EXACLY the same! shared the same interest! same Pain and the same pleasures! oh and lets not forget we both had a serious case of little peoples condition! witch eventually lead to BIG attitudes! we were the Perfect Partners In Crime! with her there wasn’t a negative moment that crossed my mind that she didn’t share &&. Vice Versa! together we learnt the streets that wasn’t a big surprise! becoming a product of our environment was only a hop skip and jump away! weed was a money maker and with it came well made money! with well made money came Envy! Despite us being 2 peas in a pod! i was the Bad bitch in a skirt and T was the baller type! literally! a beast on the court! but that didn’t effect the hustle a bit! Between grinding, writing Dope lyrics, getting chased by the police and ditching cabs there wasn’t any room for anything else but being a tough ass and Fighting! witch lead us to the nicknames “LiL killa” and “Murder”! diffidently NOT nicknames u want your kids to grow up with!..lol..As youngins well [respecting] just off knowing the game and knowing how to cut corners not being afraid of anything! was that a bad habit to adapt? we fought, we argued and as friends we patched it up!…i strayed to a faze of boy craze! leading me nowhere but behind bars with a hot ass beside me! not to mention a almost broken nose and a few black eyes for being too tough! i was a tick away from an explosion and every1 knew it! numerous fights were in my victory no matter how small or tall! Again i was well r[espected] for it and with that respect came more problems! battles became not only enough for 1. found my self surrounded by females by the dozen! and in return as day broke! bullets fled!… lil thug surrounded by real G’s didn’t work in anyone’s favor but mine! a true Knucklehead at her best with only one medicine for my various temp. attacks! my Right hand!…lost in my craze faze. I was also loosing T! head hard as a rock but still able to ADMIT truths even if it was only to myself! i ran to her… in return 3 knocks came her grandmother smiling “she’s not home” turning my back i walked into a familiar face! there on a bike was her 1 and only brother! her ONLY luggage she was able to carry along w. her through life!… as close as me and T was! her brother was jus a familiar face. he had a struggle only the streets seen but his sister KNEW! he smirked to the side and replied to my questioning with a “yall still coo” Forgetting any previous arguments between us. YEA! was the only utter able word!…
Hours past when i received a phone call “ke’ stevie was jus shot!” in disbelief i called T!.. no answer! so i called Nana … then and only then did i believe that the familiar face i had jus encountered by mistake (so i believed) was hurt! Nothing ran through my mind but my best friend! with exactly 2hrz passing 1 of witch his soul had held on struggling to let loved ones know he was going to b okay! i heard from her!…pain like no other pain i had ever felt! i felt in her voice!…From that point on there was Nothing more then silence!
Days passed hrz flew and with no real connection! my heart was gone! and it wasn’t up until i stood over that casket and seen his face distorted due to the power of a bullet did i recognize his pain in the smirk previously given to me…and as i looked over to his sister/my best friend with a solid face! no emotion, no pain, no strength i at that moment and only that moment did i see what the world seen! NOTHING! tears continued to rush my face and in a matter of minutes my body was cold! how could a mere connection change the rest of my life? i took on her pain! her strength and her emotion! i felt wat she felt! forever until the day i see my body beneath me will i hold the job her brother passed to me with a simple smirk! to protect, to love like no one else will and to influence were her ears wont hear but her heart will!
“Whether i still live in the hood or just visit Whatever you can do in the hood i done did it”
A product of my environment i connected to the streets with a connection of a lil sister to a big brother! became part of a family and in that family every1 held the weight of the house that held the family!…wats beef? was the slogan running air waves…and the sound Flying through air ways! im sorry to say i contributed to the book “unwritten” but like the Tat on my wrist that may b slit at any giving ; states.. “Death before Dishonor” was my gift and curse! Loyal to what may have not been loyal to me was my role and i stuck by it with a cute face and a silencer! .. Enemies of the hood in a disguise so discreet my baby cousin and i carried with grace! stick up chicks and bate was a new way of living and we smiled through it all! see credit is never wat i asked for and i speak for my baby cousin as well! credit is never wat we seaked! “chest in the line of fire” is a meaning that even the quote on quote realest may never experience! “set up” was whispered and deeds were done! on our part needless to say! the family till this day i protected! truth b told never knew wat loyalty was! and i pray that if i ever needed them they would put there heads in front of a 9mm for me! (how likely is that)?
“God’ll take you through hell just to get you to heaven So even know its heavy the load i will carry Grin and still bear it Win and still share it”
Out! is wat my heart beated as i looked in the mirror and behind me stood my baby cousin with me leading the way! so much over our head yet so much under our belt! changing the game around ; Dancing became the outlet substituting for loyalty!… every news station every other week provided us w. a schedule of funerals to attend! loyal to the streets! ke and Ni attended until there was no tears left to cry! took the pain and dispensed it into dance! successful in it we gave beautiful performances with major names incorporated ! cutting loose was easier in the flesh then it was in the mental! old habits die slow! and a heart no matter the temperature is something i couldn’t close to the hood! and secretly knowing her kids couldn’t and the next stop sign or bus stop she passed may have her last name on it……my mother took control of her self and took her kids back! in 2003 me my brother and my mother were set to move! a move i NEVER wanted and i would do anything to prevent! how could she? why would she? were all questions i had no answers for! and answers weren’t giving either! despite wat i knew was right my biggest struggle was separating my self from the ME i knew i had no control of. The me NOONE could control! the ME that was never afraid! only to b reunited to the Me i didn’t know!
“Life can change ya directions Even when you aint planned it All you can do is handle it The worst thing you could do is panic Use it to your advantage Avoid insanity manage to conquer Every obstacle Make impossible possible Even when winnings illogical Losing is still far from optional Yeah they wanna see you shot up in the hospital But one life throw punches, block ya counter like a boxer do”
Stating over became a task i knew was ahead and would only get worse! to my surprise it got better! beautiful environment a kid like me only seen on TV! the spirit surrounding me was like rehab to my cold heart! but nothing good last forever! school became a task do to me being a new breed of social misfit! i took No shyt..leading me 0ut! home schooling my self! “shyt this ganna b harder then i though” uttered my lips every chance it could!…beside me i had a “mirror” a reflection of the same type of new bread uttering the same thing! meeka! past: similar! also sharing the same little person condition! like the bible being re written…. Also having a low tolerance for bullshyt we found ourselves in the lime light for various reasons!… Fame may better fit the description! hated by many! loved by many more!…were she was ;was me and were i was; was her! Being a kid was never something i experienced and never realized either but now was the time to GROW up and i had already been there and back! umm Hello. Knock knock! whose there? LIFE!
Struggling with the home schooling thing working was my main priority! dancing had been at rest since Boston! now there was new avenues i never knew existed! modeling? ill take that!…Music videos? ill take that! hair stylist? ill take that!
[Responsibility] began to take over! and i loved it! working hard lead to more money and despite the things i had left behind! money making was not one of the features left out! and more money could always be made with the right connection! unfortunately like previously announced “old habits Die slow” and i found my self back around the illegal arena… things were good! GREAT! …..You got it!………nothing good last forever!
on may 14 2007 my life took a turn! a turn i have never been able to utter until now!… 3 o’clock in the morning in return from a wonderful evening i rode home! in my rear view i came in contact with a flashback of not being afraid of anything and i ignored it…pulling in my dive way to a beautiful home my mother had risked everything to have for her kids, i packed up and proceeded to return to my bed awaiting me! on my way i was stopped by a gun and man demanding everything i had and more! after him was another one retrieving it w. his partners demand!…if i had never seen my life before me before, i did at that moment as he covered my mouth with a gun to my temple! repeating “shut up” asking me if i wanted to die….and from my heart i told him to kill me! a robbery lead to a acute beating and attempted rape! never in my life did i realize how much life meant to me! never in my life did i know wat i meant to myself! until he repeatedly attempted to force himself in me!…everything i had was gone as i ran into my house to wake my mother and brother up! my sense of ability! strength and memory of anything good that had ever approached flew out my head with the thought of everything my mind was able to keep replaying! all sense of self was destroyed and being a victim to the white man questioning me was a “guilty until proven innocent” situation! The men were never caught and truth b told… there was NO attempt to ketch them either! and quote “i have murder cases to solve” was the closing argument of my case! the rest was up to me to forget!
“But revenge is best served as a cold dish and suckas will get served you better know this guess it was understood for me it was over with but I don’t quit if ya aint notice yet they couldn’t wait to say good night shawty so they can try to rhyme act and look like shawty go get a beat from Toomp? and make a hook like shawty before ya know it im back what it look like shawty…I lost my partna and my daughter in the same year Somehow I rise above my problems and remain here Yeah and I hope the picture painted clear If ya heart filled with faith then ya cant fear Wonder how I face years and im still chillen Easy, let go and let god deal wit it”
Amazing How one soul can move a mountain! and ive been blessed to have more then 1! with change came my 2 little sisters and brothers previously being my cousins! My mother took on a challenge that in the end will b blessed i pray in the best way possible! im no longer the baby so its my responsibility to give them something to look up to! im not perfect! perfection is in a telescope ahead of me! but even closer then that is the new goals i have set with every intention to reach! My backbone/my ace/my headache and medicine/the thief to my heart “Q” has showed me beauty in the best way with my son! showed me honor in the greatest way with his heart and for them: My mother, my father, my brother, my best friend, my baby cousin, my other half, my backbone, my everything, and the others surrounding me ….. I will N0T give up!
“I aint dead (nah) I aint done (nah)I aint scared (Of What!)I aint run (From Who!)But still i stand (yeah)No matter what people here i am… (Yeah)No matter what remember I aint break (never)I aint fold (never)They hate me mo’ (So!)Yeah I know… (ha-ha)Here I go (yeah)No matter what shawty here I go!”