Ever seen ALL the wrongs in someone but can’t grasp the concept of “Let Go” “its Not Worth it” or “YOUR DOING TOO MUCH”??? Eager to just let that person in on how HARD you feel for them or even just the slightest quality that maybe NO ONE else in the world ever even glanced upon? you want them to Just STOP in their tracks and notice you long enough to RECOGNIZE the REAL in your actions even if they are deaf to your words? but because their light is so bright…. they only see whats NOT in front of them! if you have never felt this, you have never felt a real test of pride! it’s a damper on your strength , a damper on who you really are and a damper on how the rest of the world views you! giving every bit of sensitivity in you to someone who wouldn’t know the difference if there was a comparison picture taped to their bathroom mirror! what do you do?? do you say fuck them because their just blind to it? is that their fault? do you continue to travel down a road that looks like it may bring you to where u began? lose yourself in the process? or OH SHIT! even b the fool? a fool for having this love for a stranger that refuses to let you in and I say stranger because they refuse to let any piece of them out… or do you take the chance of MAKING them feel you care…. and leave the rest up to them? this is a game of dice… I may not win, my luck has never been the greatest but im loosing if i cant look back and say …. I DIDNT PRETEND!
Its 12am and you are laying in your bed fighting your sleep like always! “but mommy I can’t go to sleep again” and as bad as I want to go in there and cut the tv off; not tonight. Its your birthday big boy…..look how far we have come! Yes WE! three short years, seems like time just flew past me and I know you don’t remember being in mommy’s belly or even being as small as “whoa whoa”. But I do. I remember finding out that me and daddy were going to bring you into this world; and how scared I was to tell nana about you;but don’t worry baby, nana somehow already knew! and just like every time she lays eyes on you now; she was just as over joyed then. I must say cash… I don’t know if mommy was ready for you. I was 18 and didn’t really know what LOVE really was. I wanted you and mentally every morning for 9 months I prayed that god would take care of us and guide me; TEACH ME! show me how to be a wonderful mom. Carrying you was easy! and sometimes I wondered why! was this the quiet before the storm? i jus giggled to myself amongst these tears because I remember when my water broke and uncle jonjon told me I should get a pamper…lol… how silly is that. I laughed for hours! nana thought I was crazy. she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t stop laughing and I was in labor. “ke’ you doing all this laughing now;you’re gonna be crying your ass off later” was her exact words!Nana was RIGHT!… I stayed strong all the way to the hospital….EVERYONE came to see you cash,we waited 10 hours for you… daddy was right there holding mommies hand the whole time. He was probably a bigger baby then you! YOU were strong! Every contraction I prayed. prayed that god had prepared me enough for you; that I would know what to do, know how to feel, know how to provide, know how to love! At 10:32pm I took my last deep breath along with my last GREAT push; and you was here! At that very moment I got the chance to look in your eyes I realized……I hadnt been prepared at all! There was NO way I could b prepared for something so DIVINE and so wonderful. Something so innocent yet so strong! You had been with me through the biggest change of my life! Through the pain. through the cry’s at night that no one else heard. Through the giggles no one else understood! YOU LEAD ME THROUGH IT! It sounds somewhat impossible, but I know its possible! You loved me through the growth of my immaturity and lead me to be a better me. There was no way at all I could know wat love is, if I never had the chance to love you! For a long time I felt like I would be missing out on something but boy how wrong was I. You are my PEACE OF MIND! that old me is left behind….
so as WE grow I want you to know that you are my inspiration to keep going! no matter what rocks we hit, we WILL continue to climb, no matter what is thrown our way we WILL continue to march! and no matter how heavy the load we WILL let go and let GOD! you’re a big boy now; so that same inspiration you gave me; the same strength; the same ear and the same open arms u gave me to get through; I need you to give to your brother.WE are a TEAM! I am the captain but you are my PEACE OF MIND!
“so when can i take you out” is an often approach in the line of work that consumes HER time, slight smiles and flirtatious grins SHE passes off cautiously;forgetting as quickly as it began….. followed by a million “you are so beautifull”‘s and light grazes between strangers……pocket full of 10 digit numbers written on napkins in the same inked pen SHE held every night to obtain signatures for totals. Crossed fingers hoping for the middle line to be anything but blank. Frequent trips to the restroom with closed eyes as SHE hits the only button on HER phone…. MAYBE it is;MAYBE there wont; but never does that defer her face walking back into the pack of wolf’s… LAST CALL! seems to b the only melody that makes sence coming from the sounds surrounding all angles! one step in front of another seemed like forever and just like that SHE throws HER hand up to the badge and gun that made sure (if nowhere else) SHE was in HER car safe…. purse in the trunk;keys in the ignition and mind winding down for the CLIMB. all locks;locked… not a sound;not a ring….not a message. Flash of the frequent bathroom trips: MAYBE it is;MAYBE there wont be a txt message asking “when can i take you out” followed by a million “you are so beautifull”‘s or slight smiles and flirtatious grins with no caution…. 16 inked napkins now belonging to sewage and another night thinking about the ONE person not thinking about HER…
Sometimes I drift away from my blog and it takes a Reader to bring me back… So Now that I have taken the time to review my own work after a bulky length of time; I must say…
Its been almost 2 yrs since me and my children’s father have gone our separate ways;and honestly; I can say I have seen better days!…. I will NOT say that things have been ALL good;but it definitely hasn’t been ALL bad!…Truthfully I have gotten way past the though of “us” and the only time I really think about him is when im frustrated with the struggle of being a single mother. over the past 21 months ive GROWN and as a woman ive learned to be of NO excuses! I am 21 with 2 beautiful boys;working hard to keep my head above water yet not forget about the pursuit of my own dreams! life is about choices and learning to maneuver the pro’s and con’s of those choices…….everyday is a stepping stone but im taking those steps! I came across a picture of the family I use to know and I started to remember wat me and him had and wat brought us to where we are now;at this very moment lyfe jennings-”if tomorrrow never comes” seeped through my speakers….and I began to wonder what would I have to say if I knew that tomorrow may never come? …… so I reached out to my big sis Tiffany!
On march 16th;2010 the love of her life and father or her child was struck twice and died due to gang violence …. two days prior to this incident; I had a chat with tiff and like myself she was going through it…. Josh like many young men wasnt perfect;he had his share of having his cake and wanting to eat it to. tiff expressed her anger and to me a girl who had been through it and back when it came to feeling less than in a relationship, I understood and encouraged her that she was worth way more than any braud that crossed them. also knowing that when you love some one you become a hypocrite to it all ;u constantly weigh their goods with their bads and Tiffany was and still is INLOVE with Joshua! so when i heard this news everything went silent to me! all i wanted to do was reach out to her wishing i had the power to somehow turn back the hands of time! to somehow allow her to say or not say anything that was said or not said before 3pm that afternoon! unfortunately we all know that there is ONLY one god and i wasnt given those powers…. its been 5months of tears; of memories; of good and bad! 5months of looking at baby jazlene and seeing her father in her…. so i conducted this interview to bring my sister some closure, cuz even though I know she believes in a higher power I want her to know that there are ppl like me that feel her pain but see her STRENGTH…
HONEY: Do u remember the convo we had on fb chat march 13th?
SpanishFlyy : Sort of kinda
SpanishFlyy : My memory is fuzzy
HONEY: U was somewhat upset….. U had showed me a picture of a girl u had found that josh had some dealings with…. U was totally disgusted and after seeing the pic I was too….. :-p
SpanishFlyy :Oh yes; I remember
HONEY: Up to the date of the 15th before u received that phone call….. What was ur status with josh? How were you’alls communication? Was there any hostility because of what was goin on within the relationship?
SpanishFlyY: Me n josh was together…. I was stressed already because I was dealing with him being in the streets all the time and me always finding different chicks in his phone
SpanishFlyy: Our communication was scarce the last month he was alive its like he didn’t want to be with me he was all about getting money, bitches and more money. Me n my daughter wasn’t part of his equation
SpanishFlyy : There was a lot of hostility between us … I hated that I loved him
HONEY: Did u see josh before his passing?
SpanishFlyy :Yeah I did was in the house he took a shower and I looked thru his phone… I seen a girls text and questioned him about it… He cursed me out cuz he knew I caught him …. He put his hands on me and said he rather be single and left….. 1 hour later I got the call
HONEY: Tiff put ur self back in that house b4 he walked out that door and if u could rewrite one sentence of ur life if u could say what u didn’t get to say to him….. What would u have told him?
SpanishFlyy :I would of told him how would he feel if he died today and left on terms like this…. I would have let him kno how important he was to me n his daughter and how he was letting us go for the streets
SpanishFlyy: I would have also told him please don’t allow for these people 2 laugh @ me
HONEY: Explain “please don’t allow for these people 2 laugh @ me”
SpanishFlyy; What I mean by that is I didn’t want bitches to 2 feel like they could have him if they wanted and I had no idea what was going on…. I hated the fact that everyone knew I was being played like fool and didn’t tell me anything
SpanishFlyy They knew I was getting my ass beat
SpanishFlyy They knew he was fucking mad bitches on me
SpanishFlyy: They knew he would leave me for dead for his friends
HONEY: After all all the love;the pain; the hate; the strength ;the going by with blind eyes! Seeing all clear now! And knowing he’s gone; knowing that in that sence he can’t hurt u. What would u tell him today! If I was josh….. What would u say to ME!?
SpanishFlyy: I would ask him if he is happy now??? Is he happy that I’m gonna b forced 2 move on?? Is he happy that he will never b around me or his daughter and he won’t be able to tell us he loves us… I would tell him that I truely did love him and wanted nothing but the best for him and I hope that he is always around us to guide and protect me n jazz
HONEY: As jazz grows she will question her father: why he wasn’t there;how he died and about him wile he was alive! What will u tell her?
SpanishFlyy: Imma tell her that he loved her more than life imma tell her how before she was born we talked about her before she was even thought of and how he was so happy when I told him I was prego…. I’m gonna tell her that her father was well respected but did bad things that caught up with him… As she gets older I will go into more detail with her…. But I will tell her all in all she was a baby who was made out of real love
HONEY: and for you! Maybe not anytime soon; but will u learn from this love? When someone (cuz they will) comes along that can genuinely love u and what u come with! And one u learn to love back without holdging back! Is there anything u would do or say diffrently knowing that “tomorrow may never come”?
SpanishFlyy: I learned so much, I learned how much I’m worth, I learned to love me before anything and to never let a man control ME… I learned that no matter how good of a chick u are a guy will be a guy … Most importantly I learned that a person will only change if they want to change… In my next relationship I will not settle for less…. I wouldn’t do anything different
HONEY: I admire ur strength. And along with giving u the closure…. U may very well b. The story to help females jus like u or scrath that! Nothing like u that need this insight!!!
HONEY: B4 I publish the blog is there anything u want me to note or add?
Spanishflyy: That after all the heartache and pain I went thru with his loss I believe that everything happens for a reason and things r taken out of yah life to make room for better and I truly believe that
HONEY: . I do belive the same!!!!!
So if tomorrow never comes I wanna say TODAY; thank you! thank you for showing me what I DONT deserve; thank you for being part of the creation of our beautiful boys! never did I expect or wish that we would end so abruptly. my love was genuine and you took advantage of it! but for every action is a reaction and all the tears I cried have enhanced my growth! the abuse;the neglect;the pain…. I FORGIVE you for it all! now I can move on head strong and aware of what I am made of and I can open my heart only for a man who can appreciate what u didn’t! and for our boys! time is ticking…..soon they will ask for you ;and if tomorrow never comes ……
Soo…. For well over two weeks ive been vibin too SAMMIE’s “its Just A MixTape” and prior to that; ive had my own lil mix of him bumpin in THE MACK MOBILE…. ….. ANYWAYS… where the hell is this dudes credit??? from begining to end,every song has potential to be a hit! all i have to say is KUDOS and he’s deff hittin high on MY top 10 charts! Not to mention he’s BROWN SKIN POPPIN! (lol)
Remember Ladies….. there is a thin line between a HOE and an EMOTIONAL nigga! Being a hoe isnt like being a chef or an artist… u cant “USTA BE” a Hoe…. &&’ a Nigga that doesnt get his way is the first way to get labled as one! keep your standards HIGH! and respect who you are and what you come with and i promise you…. the RIGHT dude will too!
My excuse for taking such an exstensive break from blogging was “i can only write when im NOT going through something” for well over a year!!! and just recently i CHOKED on that bullshit ass excuse! Blogging is blogging;blogging is passion; blogging is REAL LANGUAGE PUBLISHED…. I made a commitment when i established this blog in “08″ that you would get ME! so im back like a 2.2, Little with alotta BANG!
And i have a very special person to thank for the instigation of it all……
JUST BART…..
LOL….. with his New Blog www.RunAndBlogDat.com I got inspired all over again! NOW I PROMISE my blog will Compare NOTHING to his…. so If You Knew Better;You Would Do Better and STAY TUNED!!!! He is THEE biggest ass whole at its BEST! and I have all the love in the world for him…….
so with saying that EXPECT much more from me…..its been a long time and I HAVE ALOT TO SAY!!!!!!
@MzHoneyMillanie is the leash….and make sure u Follow out @IAM_BART
. I do belive the same!!!!! 
Soo…. For well over two weeks ive been vibin too SAMMIE’s “
….. ANYWAYS… where the hell is this dudes credit??? from begining to end,every song has potential to be a hit! all i have to say is KUDOS and he’s deff hittin high on 
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